*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
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Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
when nothing goes right… go left
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.