Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
“I’m helping” 😅
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
You got this…
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?