You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.