I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
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Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Every time my phone rings
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.