Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
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“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early