Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true