A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
This is sending me to another galaxy
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?