My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
This 4th of July, please remember…
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.