I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
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Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
three things we don’t talk about
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?