Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Golf would be better with landmines.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.