Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter