5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
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The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.