[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly