Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
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My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
wish me luck lads
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.