I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas