Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
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A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Sounds like a bargain
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.