“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
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WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.