BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
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The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
🤣could you imagine
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.