I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
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this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
new shirt idea
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again