“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
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him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
dutch is not a serious language
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11