WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
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Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
the three genders
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary