WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
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Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”