*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
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If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.