“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
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It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Mornin
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Not all heroes wear capes…
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.