George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
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Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Called it
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book