Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
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The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!