*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
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Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did