I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?