me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
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I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
umm…
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.