My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Name another movie that mislead you?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.