When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
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Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.