ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
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trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that