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[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I have no passwords left in me
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.