When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}