I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
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*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
And that about sums it up.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Eat…
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.