Me: how are you
Friday: good
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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
My plans: 2020:
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.