my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
You Might Also Like
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.