First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
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prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
😲 WTF? 😆
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though