[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
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Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…