ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.