Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
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I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
*aggressively waits in line*
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
😅🤣😂
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.