Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon