Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Beauty and the Beast
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.