My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
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Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.