My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
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*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
buys donuts instead
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability