One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
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[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’m sorry…what?
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!