“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Swedish for common sense.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.