Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
You Might Also Like
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting