Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
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Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*