If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
*launders Kohls cash*
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
i smell a pulitzer
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
my astrological sign is a french fry
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks